For all my agonizing, I got a whole 3 characters in response. Nice! What to think…
Maybe a shorter note next time? Oh well, practice makes perfect, right?
If you read my last post, you’ll understand when I say that waffles make parting such sweet sorrow. And this was no different. It’s also probably a questionable action when the girls jumps in to say she’ll handle the cheque. That, that right there is called guilt.
BOOM, you’re over.
At least this time I got close to kissing. Lip to cheek contact is half the battle right?
This was actually a really hard text to write, and I put it off for a day and a half. Not to be cruel, but because I just wasn’t sure. He’s a nice guy (kind of), and he’s not bad looking persay, it’s just that on a deep personal level I know we aren’t compatible based on the conversations we’ve had.
When he talks about his job, he sounds so indifferent. Like he does what he’s supposed to and nothing more, maybe even less. He was talking about training and re-certifying, which he has to do every 2 years, and he made it sound like a joke. Now I just had to renew my CPR for a volunteer position and I know I felt like that was a bit of a joke at times – but ultimately, I listened because what I was hearing could concern a person’s life. For a corrections officer, I can only imagine scenarios that require first-aid or safety training happen 100x more often. From the way he spoke, he just sounded as though he didn’t care and talked about real situations that had happened where he just stood back away from the action, only to use it later as what he found a ‘funny’ story. I’m not laughing.
I’m the kind of person who when she starts a job, or was a student in school, I did my best to get a ‘gold star’ on my homework. I was always the achiever, the nerd and teacher’s pet and I think I need someone who has that sense of ambition and drive, because that nerdiness for me translated into a hard-working young woman who wants all the information she can get and uses it to make things better or more efficient. Whoever I date or marry doesn’t have to have a high ranking job in business or finance. He could be a plumber or a Wall Street whiz kid as long as he works hard and always tries to do better – at least 90% of the time because I too will admit to checking my personal email or my Facebook account at work when it was slow. But even when talking about his hockey team, he doesn’t sound passionate, and he admits to sitting back and not trying when he thinks failure is inevitable. I need someone who will stand alongside me doing everything necessary to make things better on a personal and a humanitarian level.
So now we know. Ambition and drive are on the necessary qualities list.
But now I’m done blaming Brad, and I want to move on to myself. The reason it took so long to break it off with Brad (unlike David, where I literally texted him on the way home) was because I wasn’t sure if there was something wrong with myself. And I wanted to do a little self-searching in case I was making a mistake cutting it off after the second date.
I know I can be bossy, can come across too intense or passionate about things/people/topics I care about. And I know I have a certain fear of commitment so I had to make sure this wasn’t just a knee-jerk emotional reaction to run before things got serious (because yes, to me, a third date would tip the ‘relationship’ into a serious thing for me because of the reasons above).
So here’s where the secret comes in…
I did something you prooooobably shouldn’t do on your dates.
I recorded it.
Not through video, only audio so that no one would ever know it was him in case it ever became leaked before I could delete. But I didn’t do it to trip him up in any way, I wanted to study my own behaviour and responses on the date. If I did or said anything ‘wrong’ that would cause me to write off the relationship because I had somehow tanked it, subconsciously or otherwise.
So I listened to the first 45 minutes of our date (before my phone died and stopped recording, and I listened to the things he said and my reactions or responses. I listened to see if I interrupted, or spoke over him, or tried to lead where I should defer (this crosses boundaries with my beliefs on women’s rights an social stereotypes on how a woman should act on a date, but that’s another post for another time.
So I listened. And other than realizing that my fake laugh sounds awful to myself (although apparently not to others because I’ve actually been complimented multiple times on my laugh, and in suffering from depression, real true laughter from myself is rare so I know its referring to the fake version), I couldn’t find anything wrong. I could hear when the conversation stalled slightly, so in desperation I started talking about the possible leak in the roof, and I heard when I embellished or changed the truth slightly so that I could use the memory in conversation. But I didn’t hear a single thing that would change my mind about Brad.
The real problem is. I WANT A THIRD DATE! I just don’t want it with him. I’ve worked so hard (yes, hard, because dating and socializing like this is hard for me) and I don’t want all that effort and banter and smiles and outfit choices to go to waste!
I don’t want to start at square one.
But at the same time, I know I can’t lead Brad on. It’s not fair. He’s 28 and is probably looking for something serious, which I can’t give him. I can actually see us dating for several months, but ultimately, I know it’s not going anywhere.
But this also means I’m sliding backwards down a slope, even if I’m not meant to be on that particular slope, and that feels like failure to me. I had a goal of being kissed, of finding someone who I wanted to run to instead of away from. Now I just feel like I’m running in circles, and there’s only one person out there who can straighten me out. Or in my sister’s words, ‘chill me out’. I just wish I could find him.
Someday my prince will come…but it seems like he has a terrible sense of direction.