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Sealed with a Kiss (& Tell)

And that’s all she wrote…

For now! Just for now! Just until the next unlucky sod crosses my path. I know, leading a life of positivity isn’t my greatest attraction. Who knows what is. I certainly don’t! If you find one, will you let me know?

13 posts. Let’s reminisce shall we? An entire dating site of potential mates, narrowed down to 3 boys willing to talk, and meet with me, down to the last guy, whom for what reason now I can’t remember, let kiss me. It’s been a ride!

While I still believe in ‘the one’, and dream of a life where I live with that kind of love in a partnership, what this blog has ended up teaching me is NOT about the importance of romance and relationships, but about how YOU as a person are the deciding factor in your love life – and ultimately, I think the big lesson is that you have to love yourself. I’m not there yet…not yet, but I am more comfortable within myself and within the space of my doubts knowing that I’ve at least stepped into the pool. I’ve seen some of what goes on in the alien landscape of love. And it’s my choice whether or not to drink the Kool-Aid. I’m on way too many medications to drink, so maybe it means passing up on a few ‘could be’s’. Taking care of ME is a full time position, and when I figure out how to do that, I’ll let someone else have a go at taking care of me.

As it hangs in the space of the vast ‘interwebs’, I hope my blog stands as sign to other unhopefuls or feeling unhopefuls that it is totally possible to start from zero, no matter your age or your background. There WILL be someone out there for you to test the waters with and to date, even if you ultimately decide that’s not what you want.

So in her true form, Wigless Wonder Woman below will give you her 3 minute make of all this mess & encourage you to add YOUR mess to the universe, hoping that somewhere you’ll make a match out of the mess. For me, that mess is brain surgery, bipolar, Type A & stubborn as heck. Yours may be different, but you’ll fall for a mess just like they’ll fall for yours. A Messily Ever After.

I’ll see you soon – I’ve fallen in love with you all. XOXO, Molly

Questions/Polls, Uncategorized

ONE IMPORTANT QUESTION

Rules for Ending a ‘Relationship’…

When does seeing someone get significant enough that you’re ‘breaking up’ when you end the relationship?

What do you think the rules are in online dating, compared to ‘traditional’ dating. I see so many posts about how it’s a terrible thing to break up by text or even phone instead of in person.

But I’ve met these guys ONLINE, we’ve had the majority of our contact be over the phone or by TEXT. Doesn’t it only make sense that you would break up that way?

Even though I have had face to face dates with these guys, none of them have ‘made it’ past the second date. I haven’t even kissed them!

If I were a guy, no joking, I would PREFER to be broken up with over text or phone as long as I was able to get closure from that measure of contact. It would help me to save face, and not let my emotions show or embarrass me as though I were standing in front of her.

If I were a girl (which, duh, I am), I would STILL rather be broken up with by text assuming our relationship hasn’t been going on longer than a few months.

Am I crazy? Am I doing the right thing by texting my ‘breakups’. It saves them from having to make the trip all the way to meet only to be broken up with.

Please let me know in comments. If I’m being a bitch by texting (and if you read my posts, you’ll see exactly what I wrote), I want to know!

I’m no relationship expert, that’s the whole point of this blog.

So thoughts? comments? advice? criticism?

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First Date Jitters Taste a Lot like Valium

Picture A) Me looking uncertain as hell waiting Picture B) My established 1st date outfit


Alright, here we go again, although I just can’t get excited about it. But I’m here, sitting by the waterfront waiting for the clock to roll around to 4:30pm. Just like with David, I’m jotting down my thoughts as I wait, although there’s a big difference. The first time my heart was about to jump out of my skin and my thoughts were racing. This time I’m surprisingly calm, although my mind is still a jumble of thoughts. Is it a bad sign that I’m not, as I was before, on the edge of my seat? I try to tell my brain not to be so pessimistic. I need it to not be pessimistic so I can give this guy a fair chance. After all, I can’t give up on the idea of love and dating after one date. Straighten up, Molly! I tell myself. You’re going to put your best foot (or boot, in this case) forward and start fresh. No negative thoughts. Alright, I look down and re-read what I’ve written:

So I’m sitting here, by the water, usually my happy place, in the same outfit I wore on my first date. It wasn’t a great date, but he did ask me out again although I said no so I’m wondering if this outfit is lucky or cursed…

But, waiting once again, I can’t quite believe I’ve become jaded from my one and only other date experience. Which wasn’t even really that bad. But instead of having butterflies or hyperventilating, I just feel an almost dull sense of dread. Maybe it’s time to take one of the special blue pills in my purse (no, not Viagra!). But I’m just kind of in a ‘let’s get this over with’ mindset, which is NOT what I want to have, not at this stage, not yet. We’re about to have dinner, but the only thing I’m hungry for is the relief I felt at the end of my first date knowing that it was over and I didn’t have to do it again.

Maybe it’s the depression speaking, but I’ve been thinking a lot about the idea of ‘spinsterhood’. Society’s made it such a dirty word. It’s true that in this day and age women don’t need men as providers – of income OR sperm. Both can be acquired separately from a bank of sorts, and separately from a relationship or a marriage. I’m not saying I don’t believe in the idea of marriage, I do! My multiple wedding Pinterest boards and the stack of Harlequin novels hidden under my bed will tell you that.

But what if because of the many different factors that pertain to me, I’m simply not made for marriage, and marriage isn’t made for me?

I know this is only my second date ever, but I was walking home one day, and watching these couple of high school kids in front of me. These children, because that’s what they still are. These children holding hands were obviously together as a couple. They obviously felt something that I never have, even being eight or so years their senior. I didn’t learn to crawl, I couldn’t learn to ride a bike. Perhaps like those milestones, those kind of romantic feelings don’t exist in me. I only feel the ghosts of them in my imagination.

Is it that I’ve forgotten what companionship feels like?

Because of so many things that have been going on in my life, it’s been such a long time that I’ve been without close friends. I’ve become self-sufficient emotionally and psychologically so that the lack of human contact doesn’t hurt.  Doesn’t torture my soul like it once did.

Now who’s going to take the time to fix that mess? That mess being me.

Who’s going to fix that mess indeed? I only wish I knew. Maybe the answer is waiting for me in the guy I see parking his Nissan Altima in the parking lot. Who knows?

Certainly not me.

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The First…and the Final?

Drrrrrumroooooll please!………………aaaand one sad balloon floats down from the roof. No fireworks, no cheers, no magic and no explosions…not even a spark.

By Golly, Miss Molly, what have you gotten yourself into?

Okay, so this wasn’t IT. I mean, I didn’t really expect for the first guy I went out with to be ‘the one’, but it would have been nice to experience even a molecule of attraction. But that didn’t happen. It’s generally not a good sign when you’re walking down the street and looking at nearly every other guy and thinking that you’re more attracted to them than the guy you’re currently with. Yeah, it was that bad.

And he wasn’t terrible, there was just nothing. Not a single ounce of chemistry. Oh sure, I worked hard to be charming, create banter, be funny. And after years of practice doing this I know I’m good at it. But after a certain point, a certain silence just kind of falls between the two of you and you’re desperately looking around you for something, ANYTHING to comment on. So I went with city tourism and architecture. Fascinating, I know. But it was something.

I keep trying to find reasons to justify my dislike. But I really can’t. He paid for dinner and walked me to the train station (I thought I had escaped at this point, but then he waited with me until the train actually came…more silence). I just didn’t like him.

If I had to give you ONE reason, it would probably be this. Although he was admittedly diligent in keeping up the conversation when I let it die, it just didn’t seem like he was really interested or invested in our date. It just kind of felt like it didn’t matter to him that I was sitting across from him.

Is it too much to ask for me to WANT my date to WANT to be there. To be with me?

Anyway, my panic-stricken self wrote down some notes on the train ride downtown, so I’ll share them with you for a lark as you see my brain go into override mode.

So here we go, this is Molly, blogging LIVE from the edge of her seat (literally, she’s on a train) before, and during, her first date.

Tuesday, October 10 2017
15:47pm EST

Oh boy, Yikes. Oy vay, aye carumba, dios mio, oh dear God. WHAT have I done? I am barrelling towards my destiny on a GO train. So, this is love, people. I’m going to repeat myself now. WHAT have I done?? There is an hour and fifteen minutes left until I am supposed to meet this guy. I don’t even know his last name! Admittedly I know enough from our text conversations to be able to track him down if he wasn’t lying about himself. But I wouldn’t do that…at least, not yet anyways.

What am I doing? What am I thinking? I’m in full panic mode and I’m chewing gum so I don’t grind my teeth so hard they fall out. And that is NOT cute. Having no teeth is not a good look. I’m now using the gum to deep clean my gums and shine my teeth. Is this what desperation looks like? I’m a mess. How do I ‘people’ again? I think I’ve lost my ‘peopling’ skills., or at least they are escaping me for the moment.

How do you even greet someone you’ve only met over the internet and through texts? Do you shake hands? Is that weird? But standing there doing nothing seems kind of awkward. Waving. Is that a thing? We’re two stops away now. Why can’t I feel my feet? No, actually I can’t feel them!! Oh. It’s because I had them crossed on the seat over from me. But it still feels like all my bodily functions will soon fail me.

My (supportive??) younger sister cheerfully texted me to tell me to keep the data on my phone on so that she could GPS track me if I was kidnapped…Then my dad texted the same thing. I think they think I’m nuts. Maybe I am? Maybe, I’ll take off my wig and leave it as a clue so the dogs can smell it and find me.

(I apologize if this post seems erratic, but I wanted you to experience every feeling I have as I do this. Potentially so you don’t make the same mistakes. Now I’m making myself sound as though I’m martyring myself. Saint Molly, has a ring to it don’t you think?)

Anyway, that’s what you get when I blog LIVE, with no editing, exposed to the real me. Also, reminding myself to breathe is taking up a lot of valuable brain space.

This is possibly due to my naivete, but isn’t kissing ridiculously unhygienic? I mean…things squishing, fluids exchanging, where the hell do I put my tongue if his is in my mouth? Do I kind of arm wrestle it with him or am I submissive?

Oh man, I want an escape plan, but I purposely prevented myself from making one ahead of time for fear I’d run. And that’s probably a good thing too since all I can think about is texting some lame-ass excuse, taking off all this makeup and running home with my tail between my legs, bitch that I am.

‘Coward’, I tell myself, where will you be then, huh? Right back at the beginning, dateless and depressed with no prospects or hope.

Damn, I’m going to have to go through with this. Please say a prayer that I don’t wet myself completely before the night is over?

Also, despite having never met David (that’s his name, FYI in case I forgot to mention it), I feel guilty for carrying on a second eHarmony conversation with a match named Brad. Is this how online dating works? Giving someone ‘permission’ or make it socially acceptable to talk to two guys with the same ultimate goal of finding romance? Any thoughts?

If he asks, I wouldn’t deny it. I’d say casually that I’d started talking to someone else early on when we were still getting to know each other.

Ugh, this is exhausting. I’m sweaty. You know what’s NOT exhausting, is less expensive and does NOT require travelling or dressing up or meeting a stranger. SITTING ON MY COUCH. It calls to me. It’s sweet, upholstered and open-armed embrace a siren song to my tortured mind.

We’re here.

It ended like this:

IMG_0500e

And you know the rest. So this princess’ lips are left pouting, and NOT in a kiss.

This time.

But that’s life, and that’s me: Molly. Stay tuned! XOXO

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Miss Matched: Finding my Frog

Before any of this dating stuff happened, I was faced with the challenge of introspection by the powers-that-be at eHarmony. I had to answer a series of questions and answers, and rank statements in terms of their importance or how strongly they applied to me.

Oh boy. If I knew these answers I might not need this dating site in the first place!

Anyway, I’ll give you the breakdown.

Race: They gave me the options below.

It’s ok to match me with:

  • NO PREFERENCE
  • WHITE
  • HISPANIC / LATINO
  • BLACK / AFRICAN DESCENT
  • ASIAN / PACIFIC ISLANDER
  • INDIAN
  • CHINESE
  • NATIVE AMERICAN
  • ARABIC / MIDDLE EASTERN
  • KOREAN
  • JAPANESE
  • OTHER

Answer? All. I had to pause before I answered this. I don’t want to rule out anyone who’s a perfect match, but I know that probably about 80% of the men I’ve ever been attracted to have been white. So do I narrow the search in the hopes of finding someone I’m more likely to be attracted to? Or do I leave the search wide open in case my Prince Charming is a Pacific Islander? For the sake of this blog, I left it open. I’ll take the chance and kiss any colour frog that comes my way. Who knows? I could end up as Molly Shu or Molly Katsopoulis. You never know!

Religion: 

Unlike the Ethnicity section, I had to narrow down here. A similar belief system I believe is at the core of every successful relationship. I have met few couples who marry outside of their faith, and it has been obvious to me in the way we talked and interacted, there was a dis-harmony that showed itself in their speech and opinions that seemed to me like a recipe for disaster. Especially when/if it comes to having children. Which faith wins out? Whichever parent is more devout? And if both parents are truly devout then they must want their children to take on their religion for the sake of their eternal souls. Any parent who didn’t care about their child’s soul couldn’t be called a good parent or a proper member of their religion. There is very little middle ground to stand on here, and what there is is filled with landmines.

Children: Do I want them? Yes. Do I want ones ready-made? Is it selfish to say no?

So that’s a no. call me selfish but I want to start fresh, and kids at my age? Already? Call me old fashioned but that just poor planning and judgement on his end.

Descriptions:

We’re given lists of words to pick from and they consist of positive and negative attributes. For me, it played out like this.

Positives: I’m warm, witty, intelligent and caring

Negatives: irritable, not content, bossy, impatient

Okay, now maybe I don’t want to date me. Oy…

The last was tricky because it forced you to examine yourself completely objectively.

po

Other questions included the importance of education and income. But here’s the thing. I’m 24, still living in my parents house, graduated from university but off work for a year following surgery. My income right now is nil. My earning potential once I’m back on my feet is a far greater number if I return to the salaries I’ve previously earned. So that’s not quite a fair question to ask, especially at my age, when most of us are barely past students. So I chose ‘not very important’ as my answer, although I would typically analyze a man by his earnings to see his ambition or drive for what he does. It doesn’t matter what you do for a living, as long as you do it earnestly with that ambition and drive that show the kind of restless, searching spirit that always thinks about how he can succeed and drive forward in his career. That’s the kind of spirit that exists in the (still mostly imaginary) man I’ve been dreaming of. So this paragraph kind of answers both questions. Education is important only because it shows the ability to succeed on a level recognized by the general population. Intelligence, however, can be gained in many other ways besides school.

The consensus? Education is somewhat important. However intelligence is VERY important.

So what would your answers be? Or what words would you pick from the picture above to describe yourself? Did I answer right? Or are the questions fair?

Let me know!

XO, Molly