Questions/Polls, Uncategorized

ONE IMPORTANT QUESTION

Rules for Ending a ‘Relationship’…

When does seeing someone get significant enough that you’re ‘breaking up’ when you end the relationship?

What do you think the rules are in online dating, compared to ‘traditional’ dating. I see so many posts about how it’s a terrible thing to break up by text or even phone instead of in person.

But I’ve met these guys ONLINE, we’ve had the majority of our contact be over the phone or by TEXT. Doesn’t it only make sense that you would break up that way?

Even though I have had face to face dates with these guys, none of them have ‘made it’ past the second date. I haven’t even kissed them!

If I were a guy, no joking, I would PREFER to be broken up with over text or phone as long as I was able to get closure from that measure of contact. It would help me to save face, and not let my emotions show or embarrass me as though I were standing in front of her.

If I were a girl (which, duh, I am), I would STILL rather be broken up with by text assuming our relationship hasn’t been going on longer than a few months.

Am I crazy? Am I doing the right thing by texting my ‘breakups’. It saves them from having to make the trip all the way to meet only to be broken up with.

Please let me know in comments. If I’m being a bitch by texting (and if you read my posts, you’ll see exactly what I wrote), I want to know!

I’m no relationship expert, that’s the whole point of this blog.

So thoughts? comments? advice? criticism?

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Miss Matched: Finding my Frog

Before any of this dating stuff happened, I was faced with the challenge of introspection by the powers-that-be at eHarmony. I had to answer a series of questions and answers, and rank statements in terms of their importance or how strongly they applied to me.

Oh boy. If I knew these answers I might not need this dating site in the first place!

Anyway, I’ll give you the breakdown.

Race: They gave me the options below.

It’s ok to match me with:

  • NO PREFERENCE
  • WHITE
  • HISPANIC / LATINO
  • BLACK / AFRICAN DESCENT
  • ASIAN / PACIFIC ISLANDER
  • INDIAN
  • CHINESE
  • NATIVE AMERICAN
  • ARABIC / MIDDLE EASTERN
  • KOREAN
  • JAPANESE
  • OTHER

Answer? All. I had to pause before I answered this. I don’t want to rule out anyone who’s a perfect match, but I know that probably about 80% of the men I’ve ever been attracted to have been white. So do I narrow the search in the hopes of finding someone I’m more likely to be attracted to? Or do I leave the search wide open in case my Prince Charming is a Pacific Islander? For the sake of this blog, I left it open. I’ll take the chance and kiss any colour frog that comes my way. Who knows? I could end up as Molly Shu or Molly Katsopoulis. You never know!

Religion: 

Unlike the Ethnicity section, I had to narrow down here. A similar belief system I believe is at the core of every successful relationship. I have met few couples who marry outside of their faith, and it has been obvious to me in the way we talked and interacted, there was a dis-harmony that showed itself in their speech and opinions that seemed to me like a recipe for disaster. Especially when/if it comes to having children. Which faith wins out? Whichever parent is more devout? And if both parents are truly devout then they must want their children to take on their religion for the sake of their eternal souls. Any parent who didn’t care about their child’s soul couldn’t be called a good parent or a proper member of their religion. There is very little middle ground to stand on here, and what there is is filled with landmines.

Children: Do I want them? Yes. Do I want ones ready-made? Is it selfish to say no?

So that’s a no. call me selfish but I want to start fresh, and kids at my age? Already? Call me old fashioned but that just poor planning and judgement on his end.

Descriptions:

We’re given lists of words to pick from and they consist of positive and negative attributes. For me, it played out like this.

Positives: I’m warm, witty, intelligent and caring

Negatives: irritable, not content, bossy, impatient

Okay, now maybe I don’t want to date me. Oy…

The last was tricky because it forced you to examine yourself completely objectively.

po

Other questions included the importance of education and income. But here’s the thing. I’m 24, still living in my parents house, graduated from university but off work for a year following surgery. My income right now is nil. My earning potential once I’m back on my feet is a far greater number if I return to the salaries I’ve previously earned. So that’s not quite a fair question to ask, especially at my age, when most of us are barely past students. So I chose ‘not very important’ as my answer, although I would typically analyze a man by his earnings to see his ambition or drive for what he does. It doesn’t matter what you do for a living, as long as you do it earnestly with that ambition and drive that show the kind of restless, searching spirit that always thinks about how he can succeed and drive forward in his career. That’s the kind of spirit that exists in the (still mostly imaginary) man I’ve been dreaming of. So this paragraph kind of answers both questions. Education is important only because it shows the ability to succeed on a level recognized by the general population. Intelligence, however, can be gained in many other ways besides school.

The consensus? Education is somewhat important. However intelligence is VERY important.

So what would your answers be? Or what words would you pick from the picture above to describe yourself? Did I answer right? Or are the questions fair?

Let me know!

XO, Molly

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Off the Table Topics (See above)

So I’m going through my list of things I shouldn’t add to my profile and probably not talk about on a first date, or a second, or a fifth and I start thinking (always dangerous, frequently warned not to). If a guy chooses whether or not to date me based on characteristics, likes or dislikes I can control or moderate that’s one thing. But there are certain things about yourself you cannot change (my obsession with Meryl Streep being caught between these two categories). For instance, some things I would not mention on a first date at this point in my life are as follows:

  1. The fact that I had brain surgery this year
  2. The fact that because of that brain surgery I lost all my hair
  3. Due to the above reasons, I wear a wig.

For a lot of guys, I feel they would want to stay away from someone who had brain surgery because they’re scared of the unknown – if I’m permanently mentally disabled or damaged and whether I would act and talk like a ‘normal’ person.

And the truth is, no. I don’t act and talk like a normal person. But that has nothing to do with the surgery, and everything to do with who I am as a person – unique unto myself.

And number 4 on the list:

4. I lost 100 lbs. last year

Now there are two ways you can look at this, 1. Oh my god, she’s going to gain all the weight back and be a ‘fatty’ again. and 2. Hey, you know that’s really impressive. It shows she has drive and discipline, and probably goes to the gym more often than I do.

But even if the answer to number 4 was positive, it still wouldn’t be something I would bring up as a subject in the beginning stages of a relationship eve if I did want to impress a guy with something I had done. So instead, I use the example of my having seen every episode of Law & Order SVU at least three times, which makes the transition to the next item on the list that much easier.

I also write, some original, some poetry and songs, but also fanfiction – which gets a terrible rap and yet so many I know have admitted to at least reading, if not writing it. I confess to being an active writer of both male/female relationships and female/female if the show warrants it (which some people think odd considering I’m straight/Christian) But there is in all reality a social stigma that causes misrepresentation of personality based on stereotyping.

The theme of unfair stereotypes travels over nicely into my next topic of mental health, which makes number six on the list. But in all seriousness, even as mental health becomes more and more of a visible issue and evokes more conversation surrounding it, no one still really like to talk about it. Especially the ones who ‘have it’. And guess what – I have it. Big time. I was diagnosed with depression when I was 13, with consecutive diagnoses of generalized and acute anxiety disorders which all led to a conclusive diagnosis of Bipolar Type II as soon as I turned 18, which is the youngest they are allowed to diagnose severe mental illnesses in more cases in Canada.

No one wants to date a ‘crazy’ girl with serious health problems who is prone to obesity, obsessive compulsiveness and irrationality even if it is a side effect of the disease requiring her to have surgery in the first place.

See? That could have been my profile on eHarmony too.

If a guy came to me with this laundry list of attributes on a first date, I’d probably run for the hills too!

My hair has started to grow back in, 6 months after surgery. But the rest of the items on this list will follow me for the rest of my life. And at some point, you need to reveal these items to the person you are in a relationship with or they will feel that you’ve been lying or hiding secrets from them. And it’s only fair to know what you’re getting into when you vow ‘for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health’.

I’m curious to know whether it’s harder for men or women to reveal any ‘flaws’ about themselves & why? Is it truly due to social stigma and sexual stereotypes that we fear it?

So I have two questions for you, and please share your input both for my sake and for others reading this blog looking for answers and any other input you have about this topic.

What are your no-go’s when it comes to talking about yourself on a first date(s)?

How long into a relationship before you start divulging these private details?

If you feel like your partner has something to hide, how do you deal with it? Do couples have to know everything about each other?

 

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The Fairest of Them All

Ladies and Gents! Well actually just gents in this case, with this contender, although the last person I was hit on by previous to this post was female, very pretty – but still not my type. Welcome one and all to the ‘Selfie Olympics’, in one corner we have our first contender, Auburn hair, hazel eyes, fair skin and coming in at – erm, let’s not go there pounds, Molly M! Boasting a bachelors degree in Communications and Digital Media and a love for Scrabble, she’s drawn her seven letters and they spell R-O-M-A-N-C-E! At the other side of the arena, we have seemingly the other half of the female population, coming in at blonde, gorgeous, impossibly slim, doctorate holding and blindingly beautiful at just under a hundred pounds! She’s also holding a puppy & the Nobel Prize! We might as well just call her Mrs. Charming right now! Who will win at this game of love, lies, lead-ons and leave-offs? Why don’t you take a guess?

Sarcasm aside, no matter which Top 3 North American dating site you choose, the first thing any potential match sees is your picture. Which is understandable. We, as a society, are ultimately obsessed with looks, figure and form and place them before almost anything else except possibly income. I know I’m amongst many who claim ‘appearance doesn’t matter’ to them. But it does. It has to. As much as I place importance on the content of their character through reading their profile, if I don’t look at their picture and feel some sort of connection or to be cliché but truthful, ‘a spark’, they will be passed over and in eHarmony’s case, no smile will be sent their way, initiating potential interaction.

So after hours of going through selfies, and realizing I am MUCH more vain and narcissistic than I thought – something I’ll probably leave OFF my dating profile, I came to the conclusion that I could not do this alone. To Facebook! I shouted valiantly, selecting my final four choices and setting up a poll on the world’s most popular social media site – using the convenient excuse that it was for a ‘school project’ – which it is…kind of…technically. But more on the social stigma of using dating sites later, and the corroboration of that stigma with the age of user.

I’ll show you the four photos I picked out, and I want to hear your feedback. Which would you choose if you were me? And why? What does each minute detail of my appearance do to describe my character? Does curly/waved hair indicate a certain vanity or focus on appearance as I’ve obviously taken the time to do this? Same goes for make-up style: immaculate and model-perfect or natural but maybe does less to bring out your features? Does a tilted head project an air of innocence and curiosity? Does the Mona Lisa smile win out, mysterious and alluring, or do/will men prefer the open mouthed, teeth showing full grin. I’ll let you know next post which I chose to be my primary photo on the site, and which picture ‘won’ amongst family and friends on Facebook. But now I ask you, strangers of the internet who do not know me save for the details I’ve included in my posts. Will it be A, B, C, or D and why?

poll

Be brutal, there’s no way I can track you down!